The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

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Similarly, if the person in the allowing quadrant is not able to say ‘no’ to a request from the taker for access to their body, they are enduring or tolerating the touch, and are therefore not in consent, either. When one person is not in consent, the other is automatically not in consent, too. Therefore, for healthy, enjoyable interactions it is important that both people are having a good time and enjoying themselves. Use of Wheel of Consent in Tantric Healing Therapy Participants may stop being in consent when they are either not genuine with the request, or unable to say ‘no’ to something which has been requested of them. Taking the example above, where the receiver asks the giver to stroke their hand. If the giver says ‘yes’, when they do not actually want to do this, they are not in consent. Betty calls this ‘shadow’ of the giving quadrant a martyr, do-gooder, or someone who forgets themselves. It is therefore important to be able to say no to something we do not want to experience. The book is written in easy-to-read, and engaging language, with plenty of examples and practices to try for yourself. Another question people often ask about the Wheel of Consent® is ‘’How can I tell whether I am feeling a ‘want to’, a ‘willing to’, or a ‘not willing to’?” I really want to go to the party, but I know my ex-partner will be there which I feel anxious about, and I’m hoping Sally is willing to come along with me for moral support (it’s for me).

Creating space for the more challenging dynamics is a great way to learn how to negotiate less comfortable sexual situations. The starting point of knowing that it is the more difficult dynamic or aspect of a dynamic for you can make it easier to express fears and reservations. It can also help you to be kind to yourself when you are trying to talk it through. Teaches you the four quadrants of the Wheel – how to find them, feel them in your body and see where they can take you

Engaging in this practice means engaging with the most fundamental aspects of caring for and respecting personal autonomy. This embodied game is something you can do in pairs. The idea is that each of you takes a turn to spend a few minutes practising being in each of the quadrants with your partner. You might start with the Take/Allow dynamic. The Taker asks the Allower, ‘May I touch your hand, in the way I want, for a few minutes?’ If the Allower is willing, they say ‘yes’ and mention any boundaries they have (e.g. ‘please avoid my little finger’, or ‘please don’t scratch’). The Taker then touches the Allower in the way they want to. The Taker should not be trying to please the Allower, or give them a massage. Rather, this is an exercise entirely for the Taker to touch in the way they want to, within the boundaries the Allower set. At any point, either person can ask to pause, or stop the practice. Then after the agreed time the Taker says ‘Thank you’ and the Allower says ‘You’re welcome’ - and you can switch roles.

The wheel of consent is a revolutionary tool, and there is no way I could possibly explain it better than Betty Martin does here . Effectively the wheel of consent, as you see above, pulls apart any instance of touch into two axes. The first is about who is doing the touch, the second is about who the touch is for. This separation helps us to see touch as occurring in some really different dynamics so that we can work out what is happening in our sex lives, and what we want more and less of. I’m not going to go into any more detail about the wheel of consent, but you can find a print out of the resource Betty Martin made about it here , and video resources to give a longer explanation here . What I am going to do is make some suggestions about different ways to make use of it in sexual and kink negotiations. Play the 3-minute gameThis has been a very short introduction to the Wheel of Consent, which is about so much more than just saying ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Rather, it is both a conceptual map, and an embodied experience, which can fundamentally change the way we experience and relate to ourselves, and each other, in all areas of our lives; from friends, to family, to work colleagues, to our most intimate relationships. Discover new aspects of sexual dynamics in relationships. The Wheel invites couples to explore all four dimensions of Giving, Receiving, Taking and Allowing in full consent. Helena De Felice (we/they/she) is a Certified Facilitator of the Wheel of Consent® on faculty of the School of Consent. Born inSweden, they nowlive on the stolen territories of the xʷməθkwəy̓əm (Musqueam), Skwxwú7mesh (Squamish), and sel̓íl̓witulh (Tsleil-waututh) Nations(colonially known as Vancouver, Canada). They offer sessions, courses, andexperiences for people to develop skills in sovereignty, intimacy, andconnection.

April 27 - May 3, 2024 - Sacred Intimacy Training, with the Body Electric School. Betty will be assisting, in person New Mexico

An important book. Simple and clear, with practices that helped me gently discover what I really wanted and was not asking for. Feels like I have a whole new freedom! Remarkable impact in relationships with my partner, friends, family and colleagues. Highly recommended.” Why would most people endure unwanted or unsatisfying touch, rather than speak up for their own boundaries and desires? The Wheel of Consent also applies to non-touch situations. Here’s an example: I ask Sally to come with me to a friend’s party, and Sally replies, ‘Yes, I will’. Now let’s consider ‘Who is this for?’ Here are four possibilities:

Facilitate discussions and agreements between clients to resolve mis-matched desire in relationships and to identify consent breaches and intimate partner abuses. February 28 - March 3, 2024: Te Whanganui-a-Tara/Wellington, NZ with Michael Dresser and Stella Topaz - Applications open In the taking-allowing dynamic, the taker asks for the kind of touch that they would like to give to the other person, for their own pleasure. The allower takes some time to feel into the request, and, if it is something that they genuinely want to allow and would also feel good to them, consent to the touch. For example, the taker may ask: “Can I stroke your hair for three minutes for my own pleasure?” and the allower may reply: “Yes, you can”. This dynamic is often more diffiuclt for people in the ‘taking’ quadrant, because we are not usually accustomed to asking to give touch to another for our own pleasure. Some also associate ‘taking’ with taking something by force, which is not how it’s meant in this context. The Shadows/ Saying No Discuss individual preferences and differences in sexuality and pleasure with more confidence and ease.And so it is with sex. There are many different sexual activities you could potentially do with a partner, if you were both up for it. There are probably some things you really want to do, some things you’re not massively into, but would be willing to do if your partner was really into them, and other things you would not be willing to do, however much your partner wanted to. Similarly your partner will have their own lists of things they want to do, things they are willing to do, and things they are not willing to do. The Wheel of Consent® also applies to non-touch situations. Here’s an example: I ask Sally to come with me to a friend’s party, and Sally replies, ‘Yes, I will’. Now let’s consider ‘Who is this for?’ Here are three possible scenarios: Ongoing - The Body Electric School, online and in person introductions, practice, workshops and intensives for men, for women, and for all genders.