His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

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problems without much difficulty. In chapter 3, I was fairly hard on the men, because I believe wholeheartedly that their inability to show affection is such a crucial problem. Remember, affection is the environment of the marriage; sex is the special event. At the same time, a wife must grasp just how special a man finds sex. He isn’t “pawing and grabbing” at her because he has turned into a lusting monster. He is pawing and grabbing because he needs something—very badly. Many men tell me they wish their sex drive wasn’t so strong. As one thirty-two-year-old executive put it, “I feel like a fool begging her all the time but I can’t help it. I need sex.” Why Men Feel Cheated When a man chooses a wife, he promises to remain faithful to her for life. This means that he believes his wife will be his only sexual partner “until death do us part.” He makes this commitment because he trusts her to be as sexually interested in him as he is in her. He trusts her to be available to him whenever he has a need for sex, just as she trusts him to meet her emotional needs. Unfortunately, in many marriages, the man finds that putting his trust in this woman has turned into one of the biggest mistakes of his life. He has agreed to limit his sexual experience to a wife who is unwilling to meet that vital need. He finds himself up the proverbial creek without a paddle. If his religious or moral convictions are strong, he may try to make the best of it. Some husbands tough it out, but many cannot. They find sex elsewhere. The unfaithful man justifies his behavior in terms of his wife’s failure to keep her sexual commitment to him. When she discovers his unfaithfulness, she may try to “correct her error” and improve their sexual relationship, but by then it may be too late. She feels hurt and resentful, and he has become deeply involved in an affair. One of the strangest studies in human behavior is the married man who is sexually attracted to another woman. He seems possessed. I have known bank presidents, successful politicians, pastors of flourishing churches, leaders in every walk of life who have thrown away careers and let their life achievements go down the drain for a special sexual relationship. They explain to me in no uncertain terms that without this relationship everything else in life seems meaningless to them. Admiration - This mostly came at the end of the book, which is a shame because respect really is ultimate to a husband and is the driver (not sex) behind many of the affairs Harley describes. It’s important to remember that no one person can meet everyone else’s needs in a relationship. That’s why it’s always important for both parties to communicate openly and honestly about what they need from the other person. This way, they can ensure that their relationship is fulfilling for both. What Are Her Needs In A Relationship? By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles. Harley takes a very shallow, worldly approach to marriage. In my opinion, he does not show any evidence of writing from a Christian perspective. He seems to almost condone adultery, if the innocent spouse wasn't meeting the "needs" of the guilty party. Similarly, he appears to place blame which should be for the guilty spouse on the shoulders of the innocent party.

His Needs, Her Needs: Making Romantic Love Last (How to

Honesty and openness - Husbands should have no problem turning their schedules over to their wives, especially if they've been unfaithful. If you’re not meeting his needs this way, he may become resentful or angry. On the other hand, her needs often involve being loved and accepted unconditionally. This means that she wants assurance that he loves her no matter what, that he’ll always be there for her, and that they have a strong connection. If you’re not meeting her needs this way, she may become frustrated or sad. Conclusion Romantic movies, cultural events, going out for lunch and dinner, dancing, shopping, sightseeing, exercising, enjoying nature.The First Thing He Can’t Do Without—Sexual Fulfillment “Before we married, Jim was so romantic and affectionate—a regular Don Juan. Now he seems more like Attila the Hun.” “When John wants sex, he wants it right now. He doesn’t care how I feel; all he cares about is satisfying himself.” “Bob has turned into an animal. All he can ever think about is sex, sex, sex!” When I hear wives make remarks like these in my counseling office, I understand how disillusioned they must feel. At one time men who knew how to be affectionate swept these women off their feet. But once committed in marriage, all that affection vaporized, and what was left seemed like pure lust. Was the affection during courtship simply a ploy to captivate a woman for sexual gratification? “Why do you think your husband acts the way he does?” I ask. “Because he doesn’t really care about me. All he cares about is sex” is the usual answer—or words to that effect. These women share a real and very widespread problem. I describe it simply in Harley’s First Corollary: The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband’s deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife’s deep need for affection. Marriage is a very conditional union. If a husband does not try to meet his spouse’s needs, and she does not try to meet his, they may be technically married but they will not know the happiness and fulfillment marriage should provide. But if both sides want to listen to each other and change, a couple can solve their After carving away time for all of these things, there are still 50 hours left for you to schedule. You have 15 hours for undivided attention and another 15 hours for quality family time, leaving you 20 hours for everything else you want to accomplish: household tasks, hobbies, church activities, more time at work, or just sitting at home relaxing.)

His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts

Priority 2: INTIMATE CONVERSATION (enjoys talking, its not what they talk about is important, it’s that they talk, the more intimate the better) You may be asking why these emotional needs are so important. Several of the marriage experts I admire refers to a concept Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. calls the Love Bank. Dr. Gottman calls a similar concept the Love Map. Dr. Gary Chapman calls it the Love Tank. Dr. John Gray and Mark Gungor refer to the concept in all of their works. Ans: Communication is one of the biggest challenges that couples face when trying to create a fulfilling relationship. Often, one person may be speaking without really listening to their partner, or they may focus on their own needs instead of those of their partner. This can lead to conflict and frustration on both sides.

My wife and I listened to this book together on a long car ride, where we could pause and discuss when prompted. This is the worst book on marriage that I have read, there are a host of others I would recommend above it. While Harley claims to write from a Christian worldview, the Gospel and the meaning of marriage is completely absent from this book. That, alone, makes it ineffectual and makes me sad that it's held up by so many Christians. If you have an incorrect view of what marriage represents, then you will also diagnose and treat conflict within the marriage incorrectly. In this book, humans are nothing more than products of biology responding to various stimuli and cognitive biases. Therefore, this is a 2-star book at best. My understanding is much of the material of the book comes from the 1970s, even though the first printing was 1995 and this was an updated 2001 version. Many couples develop feelings of love and romance when they date. You and your partner probably did many activities together, talked, and shared intimate conversations. Domestic support. She creates a home that offers him a refuge from the stresses of life. She manages the household responsibilities in a way that encourages him to spend time at home enjoying his family. EVEN if the statement is literally true and can be applied both ways, the wording is CLEARLY rooted in sexist and regressive ideas.